Changes and Goals

Today is Monday, July 16th.  I got on the scale this morning and I had a gain.  It was a large gain, I think this was what I needed to kick myself back into losing weight.  Right now I'm depressed.  I always said as long as I don't gain back the weight I've lost so far then I'm fine.

My food goals for this week is to eat more fruits and veggies, drink lots of water and NO fast food. I'm going to try my hardest to eat more home cooked meals and have lunch at the salad bar.  There are lots of healthy options at the salad bars around the area where I work so I don't have any excuse as to why I can't eat healthy.

My workout goals for this week is to workout at least 3 times.  Today I'm going to do the Turbo Jam 30 minute workout because I don't think I can handle more than that.

This morning I weighted in at 262, so I'm back in the 260's when just about 2 months ago I was in the 240's.

Today is Tuesday, July 10th and I've done a lot of walking in the past 3 days.  On Saturday I walked over 10 miles.  Yesterday and the day before I walked over 5 miles.  I've started walking from where I live to the subway and I've cut my time from 15 minutes to 10 mins.  It's about 1/4 mile from where I live to the subway.  If only I could dedicate myself to working out on a daily basis they way I'm dedicated to walking.

Let's try this again

Today is Monday, July 9th and I'm experiencing deja vu.  I've been here before and every other time the outcome has been the same.  I start out at full speed and I'm all into it.  Then something happens in my life and I have to push my goals to the side to take care of someone else (mainly my son).  I just wish I could put me first and not worry about anyone else.  I also wish I could stick with something longer than 30 days.

I try to set goals but I never achieve them.  My life is always being turned upside down by something that I have not control over.  Right now I'm in the process of looking for a new job because my current job is causing me stress.  It's sending me into a sad depression and so I've decided to put all my effort into find a new job. 

I'm also dealing with my son's current situation.  He will be incarcerated for the next 3 1/2 years, he goes before the parol board in 2015.  This situation has taught me to never say never.  My son is very stubborn and likes to learn things the hard way.  He doesn't realize that his actions not only hurt him but they hurt the people closest to him, but that's a whole other post.  With all these stresses in my life it's no wonder I can't stay on track.

So, I'm trying this again.  I refuse to give up, even thought there are days when I say I'm done.  On those days I eat what ever I want and don't regret it.  The only plus is that I haven't gained back the weight that I have lost so far.  I've also started to walk more.  The other day I walked a total of 10 miles.    It was not from a continuous walk.

Denial

When I look in the mirror I don't see what everyone else sees. I don't realize how fat I really am. I think I have chosen to see the over weight girl that I use to be or the woman that I was after having my children. I'm in denial. Tonight I going to take a few full length photos and post the here. Maybe this will snap me out of the delusional image I see of myself.

Why can't I get this weight thing under control.  I want to wake up and be a normal size.  Not a skinny twig but just a normal size.  I want to fit into fashionable clothes, I'm tired of wear jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers.  Tonight I was sitting across from a woman on the train and I can see how much the extra pounds she is carrying is hurting her physically. Mentally she doesn't get it (just like me). She pulled out a food container, she examine's the container and then puts it away. I could just imagine what was going through her mind at the site of the container.  Her feet and ankles are so swollen that's why I'm thinking about my denial.  There is probably something very high calorie and high sodium in that container.  Even though her ankles and feet are swollen and she's in pain she will still eat what's in that container when she gets home.  This thought made me so sad for her and myself.


I got off the train and headed for McDonald's even after what I just saw and thought. It's about 2 hours later and  I'm now sitting here trying to figure out what will it take for me to get my eating habits under control.  What will it take for me to make healthy choices.  I keep using my stress as an excuse but it's a lame ass excuse.  I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, get up off my ass and get moving. I need to start making better choices and get this damn weight off of me.  I know what to do to lose the weight but I just don't want to do these things.

Days 32 - 36

I've been gone for a while.  I hate the weekend sometimes.  I love the fact that I don't have to go to work but because I'm single there isn't much to do.

I'm dealing with a lot these day and I'm praying that it will get better soon.  Today I started tracking my food via my fitness pal.  This has worked for me in the past and I think it's time for me to go back to it.  My portion size is not the problem it's the things that I'm eating.  Over the weekend I had pancakes from mcdee's with sausage, general tso's chicken with pork fried rice, fried wontons and fried chicken wings.

I just read an article that says you have to be mentally healthy before you can become physically healthy.  If you don't work on your mind you will fail at working on your weight.  I believe that.  I have so many things going on in my life right now that are making me depressed.  I cannot control these things because they are not things that are happening to me, they are things that are happening to someone I love dearly.  It's happening to one of my children.  I feel I will not get back on my weight loss journey and be successful at it until I have dealt with and come to terms with this situation.  I don't know how to come to terms with the situation and I don't how to deal with it.  I'm in the process of finding a therapist to help me handle this situation.

I'm going to continue to work on my weight, I don't plan on gaining back the weight that I have lost so far.  I don't plan on going backwards, I only plan on going forward.

Day 31 and 32

I'm suppose publish a post everyday but I'm failing at it.  When I started this weight loss journey I never set a goal and I had not idea why I wanted to do this.  I was just tired of being fat and buying clothes in the plus size department.  I think that is the main reason why I keep failing at it.  My reason for losing weight has to be more than just for superficial reasons.  I have to make a commitment to get healthy.  I don't have any health problem such as high blood pressure, diabetes or high cholesterol etc.  I don't want to develop any health problems as I get older so I need to start doing something now.

Day 32

Wow, it's been more than 30 days since I started back on my weight loss journey.  I did not do well last week.  I haven't worked out for a while and I'm not eating healthy.  I ate so much fried foods this past week that I gained back all the weight I have lost this year.  I am back in the 250's.

5/29/12
Breakfast
2 strips of bacon, 1 scrambled egg, 1 whole wheat bagel
16 oz cup of ice coffee with 4 packets of splenda and 1 tbsp of half and half

Lunch
3 oz of grilled chicken
3 cups of salad green (spring salad mix)
1 tsp of olive oil
1 oz fried fish
1/4 cup of wild rice with beans, cranberries and nuts
sugar free jello cup with whipped cream