Denial

When I look in the mirror I don't see what everyone else sees. I don't realize how fat I really am. I think I have chosen to see the over weight girl that I use to be or the woman that I was after having my children. I'm in denial. Tonight I going to take a few full length photos and post the here. Maybe this will snap me out of the delusional image I see of myself.

Why can't I get this weight thing under control.  I want to wake up and be a normal size.  Not a skinny twig but just a normal size.  I want to fit into fashionable clothes, I'm tired of wear jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers.  Tonight I was sitting across from a woman on the train and I can see how much the extra pounds she is carrying is hurting her physically. Mentally she doesn't get it (just like me). She pulled out a food container, she examine's the container and then puts it away. I could just imagine what was going through her mind at the site of the container.  Her feet and ankles are so swollen that's why I'm thinking about my denial.  There is probably something very high calorie and high sodium in that container.  Even though her ankles and feet are swollen and she's in pain she will still eat what's in that container when she gets home.  This thought made me so sad for her and myself.


I got off the train and headed for McDonald's even after what I just saw and thought. It's about 2 hours later and  I'm now sitting here trying to figure out what will it take for me to get my eating habits under control.  What will it take for me to make healthy choices.  I keep using my stress as an excuse but it's a lame ass excuse.  I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, get up off my ass and get moving. I need to start making better choices and get this damn weight off of me.  I know what to do to lose the weight but I just don't want to do these things.

Days 32 - 36

I've been gone for a while.  I hate the weekend sometimes.  I love the fact that I don't have to go to work but because I'm single there isn't much to do.

I'm dealing with a lot these day and I'm praying that it will get better soon.  Today I started tracking my food via my fitness pal.  This has worked for me in the past and I think it's time for me to go back to it.  My portion size is not the problem it's the things that I'm eating.  Over the weekend I had pancakes from mcdee's with sausage, general tso's chicken with pork fried rice, fried wontons and fried chicken wings.

I just read an article that says you have to be mentally healthy before you can become physically healthy.  If you don't work on your mind you will fail at working on your weight.  I believe that.  I have so many things going on in my life right now that are making me depressed.  I cannot control these things because they are not things that are happening to me, they are things that are happening to someone I love dearly.  It's happening to one of my children.  I feel I will not get back on my weight loss journey and be successful at it until I have dealt with and come to terms with this situation.  I don't know how to come to terms with the situation and I don't how to deal with it.  I'm in the process of finding a therapist to help me handle this situation.

I'm going to continue to work on my weight, I don't plan on gaining back the weight that I have lost so far.  I don't plan on going backwards, I only plan on going forward.